ibDABIN

My earliest memory in life is of my parents fighting and making me choose who I wanted to be with...so I get it. Be the person you needed your parents to be when you were a child. Remember what it was like to be that sad, scared (and lonely if you didn't have siblings) child. You won't be able to fix this problem for them but you can be there for them.

You tell them the truth in age appropriate terms. Tell them that you aren't able to work together as a couple anymore and that you have to focus your energy on being mom and dad, separately. Don't disparage each other and be unified in what you tell the kids...that is what it means to show a united front in this situation.

You need to be absolute and do not leave wiggle room for hope, even if some should exist. You both need to be very clear about what the future looks like for you and them. Tell them you both love them very much and ensure they know they are not to blame in any way.

It's going to suck worse than you likely realize so prepare for that. Unless your children anticipated this, there will be a tsunami of tears. Be emotionally honest with yourself and them but be careful about what you say in your emotionally charged state.

Good luck OP.

I don't disagree with any of that. It's definitely a violation of trust and inherently wrong. There's going to be a hundred people ready to point that out and to simplify it down to "leave him" and I don't blame them. That's the most obvious answer here...but I think if OP were completely confident in that choice, they wouldn't be here.

I'd rather offer something to the discourse that isn't "man bad for doing bad thing - make leave now" and instead offer a perspective on the "why" instead of focusing so much on the "what now".

You are going to get a lot of people telling you to leave your husband but, instead of telling you what to do, I would rather play devil's advocate (and eat a bunch of downvotes 😂). Your husband has an addiction and it's ultimately to the endorphins (namely, dopamine) that he gets when he orgasms. For one reason or another, he has hidden his kinks from you and it's entirely likely that this is a result of his shame. He does not feel comfortable or safe sharing this secret with you. I'd imagine it's because he believes you would think less of him for it.

I disagree with everyone that says you could never trust this guy again. A breach of trust does not make someone forever untrustworthy and I'm sure to get lots of kickback for saying as much but it is the truth. You can believe that people don't change or you can recognize that everyone has the capacity to change. I'm with the latter school of thought as someone that has made significant changes in my life following revelations that I failed my ex-wife in profound ways. Sometimes, experiencing that shame first hand is the catalyst needed to institute lasting, positive change.

All that being said, nobody but you would know what the outcome of this situation might be. You could be strung along for a longer period of time or you could end it now. You could let this breach of trust shatter your relationship or allow it to be a challenge that brings you closer together. There's no way for anybody else to know, random internet strangers least of all. Your safest bet is always going to be to walk away because there's a million other potential options out there for romantic partners, some of whom will assuredly be better than your current...but is that what you want? Your ego will always direct you away from potential harm but that doesn't mean it's steering you towards a better, happier life.

It's hardly nonsensical. It sounds like you just don't understand the intent. You cannot properly love someone if you can't even properly love yourself. Dating yourself instills a sense of self worth and helps you to identify what's important to yourself (as well as building self love). Ultimately, the intent is to be kind to yourself because enjoying your own company is the only way to exist within a healthy relationship and negativity, cynicism, and self deprecation are not only unattractive but wholly damaging to relationships (both with others and with the self).

You see those platitudes over and over because they are core to what's important in healing from a breakup/divorce. People that have healed (or are healing) and get it repeat these mentras because they recognize their importance in establishing the mindset necessary to effectively overcome trauma.

That's definitely not what you are being told. When you say "I miss my ex" and "I want someone else", you are signaling to everyone that you aren't ready for someone else. This is why you are being told to work on yourself.

Trust me. I get it. I had the same feelings. I got strung along, too, and with two kids whom would become victims to it as well. I don't think there is any particularly appropriate way to handle separation. It's generally difficult in different ways for both parties. Divorce is a death and nobody undergoes death without some scarring. I'm sure he likely didn't have the courage to completely end things with you so he turned to a more gradual form of rejection to help soothe himself. The stonewalling was probably the only way he could maintain his resolve without becoming overwhelmed with his own emotions.

None of this is excusing anything but, then again, excuses aren't really necessary because at the end of the day people are autonomous. We are all entitled to our own decisions, even if those decisions hurt the people that love us. It sucks but it's just part of being human. I think labeling it as cruel is a bit of an exaggeration, in all fairness, but I understand why you see it that way. It's so agonizingly painful that "cruel" seems like an appropriate description...but it's unlikely that he actually wants to hurt you. In fact, his approach would suggest to me that he is afraid of hurting you and afraid of facing the consequences of hurting you.

Your feelings are completely valid as is your perspective on everything. Try to focus on getting it all out so you can fill your cup back up with something more pleasant and end the rumination.

Then I think you might be projecting your hopeful expectations. Stonewalling is pretty typical when a relationship reaches a bitter end and it's especially common when infidelity is involved. I'm sorry you are going through this and I know first-hand how much it sucks but it will benefit you to get the process of divorce started sooner rather than later so you can begin working on the next chapter in your life.

Did you initiate the separation?

The simple answer is ego.

Im going to set the example that I love her, I’ll always love her and I’ll always treat her with respect

This is absolutely CRUCIAL. Divorce gives us the opportunity to show strength and courage and to prove to our kids that sometimes good things fall apart but we don't have to let it darken our hearts. By telling them you will always love her and showing them that, you are instilling in them the significance of love and what it means. I did the same thing because it's the truth I live and the way I love. I believe that real love is unconditional and that when we make room in our hearts for people, they become part of us forever...for better or worse...and how that impacts us is entirely up to the way we perceive the value of that experience. In other words, love big and live happy. Fixating on the negative aspects of life will only ever bring misery.

I am sorry you are having to go through this but I believe you have a very wise and mature perspective on your situation. I never knew what it was like to have an intact family but I heard no shortage of slander from my father towards my mother because she was unfaithful...but at the end of the day, people are unfaithful because they have unmet needs. There is a deficiency that exists in their lives and it's often within themselves. Externalizing our happiness and fulfillment is always a trap and the issues that manifest differ from person to person. Some people abandon themselves while others abandon their loved ones. It's tragic but it's part of the human condition and it's almost never born from malice. People are neither inherently good nor inherently bad. We are all just doing our best to live our lives and be happy and using divorce to highlight this will only benefit your children in the long term.

I wish you luck, brother. That is going to be a hard conversation. For me, it was the most emotionally devastating thing I've ever had to do. Prepare yourself but don't be afraid to show them your humanity. Crying is entirely healthy and will help them feel less alone in the process of their grieving.

Child of divorce and recently divorced man here.

My advice on custody would be to split the time evenly if possible and to allow your son to make his own decisions about who he wants to spend his time with once he matures a bit and you have all had an opportunity to adjust to the new normal.

Aside from custody though, I don't know that I would suggest you be dishonest in how you portray your divorce to your son. Hiding your feelings is unlikely to be very effective and it's likely that your ex is going to be very outwardly content and with a new woman. Your son will be able to perceive that difference in contentment and will wonder about the truth of your situation. I believe it would behoove you to just be honest about it in age appropriate terms. If you didn't want the divorce, you don't have to slander your ex but you don't have to pretend that you wanted it either. I'm sure there will be those that disagree with this approach but this is what I did with my children and it has improved my relationship with them in addition to helping them to understand that their mom wasn't happy and was just doing what she felt was best to better show up for them. It's an opportunity to teach your child the value of forgiveness, resilience, and emotional intelligence.

Exactly right! It's that "gut" feeling that people talk about that we usually attribute to intuition which is really just all the little things we notice but don't consciously consider.

Most of my relationships weren't actually me using my heart...

It sounds like you know what the issue was a lot of the time. I do completely understand where you are coming from...it was my belief for so long that logic was the only way to acquire a suitable relationship.

I'm tired of all the analysis and strategy. I want it to just be easy and flow. I'm a unique and particular person so its hard to find someone that fits well with me. I hope I do.

This was exactly how I felt...and it's why I just stopped trying to formulate an approach to finding the right partner and started leading with my heart instead. I shared everything upfront about who I was and what my journey through life has looked like. This definitely won me my fair share of rejections but it ultimately led me closer than I had ever been to "my people"...and now, yes, I'm in a relationship that is as effortless as breathing with a partner that completely matches my energy. It never would've happened if I hadn't been willing to make myself vulnerable though and one of my big requirements for anybody I was dating was that they would be willing to be completely vulnerable with me, too. I did not want to do the whole horse and pony show of having to tear down walls to get to know the person I was spending time with. I think a lot of people struggle with this but there is no better way to finding a relationship that will work for you than to be completely open with somebody else. When you extend that trust to someone, it often inspires them to do the same...or it can have the opposite effect in which case you know that other person isn't ready for a serious relationship.

Very well put and I'm happy to share. I absolutely agree that a good, healthy relationship to self is paramount and demonstrating strength and resilience to our children is always helpful. Continuing that honest dialogue with ourselves as well as our children is the only way for anyone to move past the shared trauma of a family torn asunder. Trying to move past it without acknowledging it is exactly how you end up the way I did...confused and hurting with every step towards increasing self sabotage.

Relationship dynamics are not taught...they are learned...and the basis for every relationship we have in life is based off our observations. Before we have a lot of experience, we stick to what's familiar...even when what's familiar hurts us. That's just the way humans are wired. Breaking that pattern takes a lot of hard work and, as parents, we are unfortunately limited on how much of that work we can help with. That's why it's so important to carefully manage the relationships they are exposed to early in their lives.

I don't disagree with you. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. The problem in divorce is that people are often running away from their problems as opposed to working on fixing them. Divorce hurts everyone involved and that takes a lot of time to heal from...and it seems like a lot of people aren't strong enough to do the work that needs to be done alone, opting instead to jump into a new relationship to validate themselves and hide from the pain of love lost.

Thank you for your insight. My observations with respect to ages-most-affected definitely align with your own. My 7yr old has been doing pretty fine but my 10yr old has really, really struggled with everything.

Get them therapy if you can afford it and be prepared for a lot of added difficulty in your life as a coparent. Everyone likes to repeat the mantra "children are resilient" and "they'll be fine" but the research very much suggests otherwise.

I was a single child and a child of divorce. I have no memories of my parents together but I have plenty of memories of the dysfunction that persisted well beyond their divorce as they navigated new relationships with new partners and I had virtually no frame of reference for healthy love. Academically I was absolutely fine. I could've done anything I wanted with my life. From the outside looking in, there were no issues that came about as a result of the divorce. Even from my own perspective, the divorce had no effect. I never blamed myself or felt like I internalized any of it...but that didn't stop it from killing a lot of good relationships all the way through until very recently when I got myself into therapy and started working on healing my unreconciled abandonment trauma.

All that is to say, you never know how divorce is going to effect your children. Focus on giving your children a healthy and loving relationship that they can model from and get them into therapy to give them the best chance. Divorce creates multigenerational trauma but the folks here don't want to acknowledge that because it dissuades others from getting divorced and makes their decision harder to sit with. I think it's important that everyone be cognizant of just how much divorce can really change things for kids. We owe it to our children to stop acting like they'll be fine and to start working on fixing the damage right away.